I’m not typically one that is really left at a loss for words. Yet, I’ve struggled a great deal writing this post. My life has been so centered on the UberDork Cafe (and it’s all good stuff in re: to that) that it has been far too long since I just wrote on here about life. I still am not sure what the “right” answer is in terms of use of my blog now. Me being me, it’s still a necessary outlet for me that I’ve missed and part of me feels that it shouldn’t affect the UDC as UDC is me too. We are intertwined. Many people that have supported UberDork Cafe have done so based on knowing me. Whatever the solution will eventually be, I felt I truly needed to write this post.

Where the truck have I been?

There is a long and gory answer to that, but there is definitely an overabundance of TMI in this world, so I’m going to do my best to not add to that. In short, about 2 weeks ago I started feeling ill. What started as something that seemed quite simple and no big deal really snowballed. The original treatment for the first ailment diagnosed was an antibiotic that, it turns out, I am pretty darn allergic to. In short- my hives had hives. I spent all of that weekend literally coated in Calamine lotion, doped up on Benadryl and trying my best to sleep so I wouldn’t scratch. It was BAD. There have since been follow up appointments. Then it was eldest monkey’s 6th birthday. So, still feeling so ill, I did my best to make sure her birthday (last Friday) and that whole weekend was nothing but awesome for her. Then came Monday and some exploratory work at the hospital. Exploratory work is so not fun. Then Wednesday eldest embarked on her first day of 1st grade. I had been battling with the school district to allow her to return to her school despite the insane redistricting that occurred and thankfully I won that one.

My goal over these last 2 weeks has been to try to make sure my girls don’t know I’m not well as best as possible and to be there for them. You see some of the possibilities health-wise that were mentioned were far from comforting. It really puts things in perspective. UberDork Cafe is still a HUGE priority in my life and there is news on that front as well. These last two weeks have forced me to take a step back from being as vocal and out in front about it though. Truthfully, when I think about it, part of it has to do with my survival mode as well. When things get super insane or hard, I tend to hide and deal with it. I’m so used to being the rock for many people in my life, yet not having a rock of my own that I tend to just hunker down and handle it on my own. Try to be my own rock. It takes so much for me to step up and say “I’m scared” or “I need help” or “I’m overwhelmed with life” or "I need you" and when I finally manage to do that and get kicked, the wounds and scars are pretty deep. Yup, I haz a big squishy. Especially when the bailing comes from people that tell me they love me. It’s a issue I’m trying to work through.

So, the results are in and part of the problem turns out to be some clusters of precanceous cells. I know the word “pre” is in front of that, but it’s still a pretty rough thing to hear. This weekend I will be undergoing a simple, yet painful and unpleasant, procedure that will hopefully eliminate all of them. I will then have to continue to be monitored closely to see if they are gone, if they come back, if they return with a vengeance, you name it. This weekend is gonna kind of really suck. But, I should be recovered by Monday or Tuesday and be coming back out the gate swinging!!

If I am up to it, one of my main goals is to catch up on emails and with everyone I have lost touch with and start bringing everyone up to speed on what is going on with UberDork Cafe. I should warn you though, there is a possibility that it may turn into a couple of days of me drooling on my couch in a small Vicodin coma. But, I will be thinking of you while drooling! Ok, that sounds a lil creepy.

The last two weeks have taught me so much about myself, my daughters, the people closest to me in my life and what I am capable of. In this time I had someone call me “beautifully flawed.” Some that heard that took it as insulting, I didn’t. I know the person that said it adores me and they meant well. I see it as their way of reiterating my theory of the fact that I am a continual work in progress. We all are really. If we are not striving to learn, to grow, to improve, than what is the point?

I am honestly very sorry that I’ve upped and disappeared while going through this. It wasn’t my intent more of a knee-jerk reaction. When juggling so much with so little energy, balls get dropped. And I was the clown that couldn’t juggle, so I’m at a disadvantage. I make really kick ass balloon animals though. :)

Bear with me for just a bit longer and I promise I will be back and annoying the mess out of you as soon as possible. Oh, and I get really spazzy on Vicodin for like 45 min and then turn into the narcoleptic chick from Deuce Bigalow so, if you see some crazy tweets/posts/etc from me- it’s the Vicodin talking!!!

*huggles*

One of the songs the "beautifully flawed" person associates with me. :)