Welcome to the Chaos

You have stumbled upon the new blog (i.e. random babblings) of a quirky single mom. A shoot-from-the-hip, anti-pink (yet almost gaggingly perky), non-traditional, can cuss like a sailor but loves insanely and has the save the world syndrome gal who is bracing for a future as a Crazy Cat Lady though she secretly hopes like hell it doesn't come true. Enjoy your stay and feel free to say hi- I don't bite. Well, unless we're dating and you are into that type of thing or you contain peanut butter. >;-)

About Me

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Quirky single mom of two monkeys. I used to beat up the kids that picked on the "special students" during recess. Now I work with those with chronic mental illness. I speak quite a few languages, enjoy coed naked underwater basket weaving, have an addiction to Sushi and humor is my defense mechanism. Arrogant people make my right eye twitch. I'm ambidextrously brained, I will knit for tattoos, I am the friend that everyone comes to for advice and bail money. I pride myself on keeping my eyes, ears, heart and mind open. Making me laugh goes a long way with me, I think the brain is the sexiest organ and I'm the kinda gal you can take anywhere and I'll have a good time. Other than that, I'm just me.


I Have Failed As A Mom

I have failed as a mom.

As a mother, it is my job to protect my monkeys from getting their feelings hurt as best as possible. This is one of the reasons why I am so very careful about who I bring into their lives and under what circumstances. Well I thought I was. But, people aren’t always what they seem to be. It’s hard enough as an adult to make sense out of the 180’s people sometimes do. No matter who you are, the mask eventually falls off. To Thine Own Self Be True is one of my mantras not only for the beauty of its wisdom, but for the warning that lies within. Try to be someone other than you and at some point it all comes to light. What is all that negative energy and time spent being someone you’re not really going to get you? I avoid masks completely. You’re lucky if you even see me in make up. While my personality and genuine interests are all kinds of quirky, which allows me to relate and get along with a huge variety of people, I am no one’s chameleon. What you see is what you get with me. Whether you experience me in 2D, 3D, hell even 38DD, I am me.

So what do I say to my monkeys when they want to know why we haven’t heard from people they feel are their friends, their lil buddies? “They’re just really busy right now babies” is my general excuse. In some cases I know I’m being honest, in others not so much. It sucks. Hard.

I have failed as a mom.

I have created and instilled the Monkey Family Motto- We’re All About The Love. They have personified it in every way. Yet I have failed to give them the tools to know that sometimes when you give big love, it’s not always honestly returned. Oh they know that when they smile and say hello to strangers, they may not get a smile and a hello back. Some people are shy, some people are grumpy, some people are so jaded they simply get confused when a stranger in our all too cynical society extends random kindness to them. They know that friends they meet and play with at a park, a playland, heck even a Target (cuz that’s how we roll) may just be that for a moment or a day. A great memory to carry on. They know not to take it personally.

I guess I didn’t think that at 4 and 5 I would have to start teaching and preparing them for the harsher realities in life. They’ve already had to experience enough of them on their own. I guess I thought that I had until Middle School before I had to teach them the ugly truth about playground warfare and the dreaded popularity contest. About fake smiles and “I love you’s” and hugs to your face as their eyes roll at your back while you walk away. People that will claim to be your friend, but ditch you when a better offer comes along. About fake sincerity, expendability and yup, masks. If it weren’t for my choices on who I allow in their life, I very well may have had until then.

I have failed as a mom.

I give honestly, embrace all and never treat people as though they are stepping-stones to some kind of bigger goal. When you get a smile, an “I love you” or a hug from me, that stuff is all kinds of sincere. Which is what I’ve taught the monkeys to be like. I try my best to lead my life by example. They see that sincerity. They see me around many different types of people in many different types of situations and they always see me. So, how do I continue to instill this in them and protect them from getting further hurt?

I have failed as a mom.

I’m not sure there is any real, feasible answer to this. The best that I have come up with is the need to guard myself better so that I may better guard them. The popularity contests and fake bullshit clearly don’t end in high school. It actually becomes worse in adulthood. I have seen people who were the odd one out growing up turn around and be the worst social ladder climbers out there. Where the hell does that ladder lead anyway? What does being the most popular person in the neighborhood or at work get you? What does Twitter or Facebook “cred” actually get you? Especially when all those people are rolling their eyes to your back as well? Life can be like the first half an hour of The Breakfast Club. If only everyone got the ending.

I can not and will not allow my monkeys’ feelings to be hurt again by people that I have brought or allowed into their lives. It is up to me to learn from this and make sure that I now focus on putting my energy into cultivating and continuing the relationships in my life that matter. That are REAL. That the people I surround myself with, in all aspects, whether they have ever or will ever meet my monkeys are REAL. No disrespect my dear Ministry, but everyday is NOT Halloween. Not in our lives anymore. Mask wearers need not apply.

So, for my monkeys and for me my focus is going to be on nurturing QUALITY friendships/relationships. QUANTITY means nothing. Give me 3 friends I know would walk through hell and back again with me versus 100 acquaintances that say they care but disappear or worse. This new year is going to be one that breathes in the good, the real, the sincere…. And out with the bad, the two-faced, the dishonest, the fake. We are all about the love, if you’re not- exit is to your left. I already have the Barbie myth to contend with in their lives. That’s the only fake bitch allowed. For now, she’s next.


G said...

I have so much to write, it could be my own blog post- but I'm going to keep it brief. You have NOT failed as a mom. Read that sentence as if all of the words were in caps. You have to know that shit is going to happen. You are not always going to have the right answer, do the right thing. You always have your monkeys and their well-being first and foremost in your mind and that is what matters. That is what makes you an awesome mom, not a mom who has failed. Honestly I could go on and on, but I won't right now. Please just know you have not failed. It is so heart-breaking to see our kids sad or hurt, but that does not equal failure on your part. Really I will shut up now, but I won't promise that I won't be back later :)

Mare said...

Sad to say, the girls will start with the mean girl stuff in 3rd and 4th grade. You haven't failed at all because protecting them from those sorts of people is setting them up for failure later when they encounter them on their own. And there is no way you can know who is going to flip out. The best thing you can do is be honest with them and give them the tools to deal with the bad stuff.

When my oldest was dealing with mean girl stuff I told her I wasn't going to do the same thing my mom did to me and tell her just to ignore it. I told her I didn't have all the right answers but together we would try and find a way that works for her, even if I didn't know exactly what that was.

Hurt is part of life. It's all how you deal with it. Hugs to you... it's gonna get bumpy.

Gorillamonk said...

You have NOT failed as a mom.

You've shown them unrequited love and passion. You've taught them what you can, life normally does the rest and is VERY harsh.

I think you've set them up with a great tether to who truly loves them and what that feels like.

Miragi said...

I have the utmost faith in you as a Mother, and you have by far not failed. Protecting feelings is a necessity in the tender years....and giving gradual doses of reality. But, yeah...that playground warfare...that starts in pre-school and Kindergarten. :( You cannot control other people, you can only control your reaction TO them. Just let your kids know that and know that, no matter how shoddy other people may behave, they are loved by you.


Candid Carrie said...

When I was a single parent, I was aware that I needed to be careful when dating to make sure my children didn't get attached to any man that may not remain in my life.

It never dawned on me that this would also mean doing things with other people and their families. Kids tends to automatically be best friends with whomever they are with at that point in time. When the relationship between adults fades, as often happens in adult friendships, kids suffer the loss of a best friend. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to write what you did today, you lead your monkeys well.

ShaktiMama001 said...

Wow Luminous One!

This was on point. As a yoga studio owner and instructor in Wash, DC (world capital of social climbing) you have made salient points. I have a 2 and 5 yr old (boys). Teaching them the ways of the Jedi are complex in the this hyper spiritually dysfunctional dimension. We will prevail, because our hearts are pure! You have not failed as a mom, the work continues. We try alternate strategies. Jedi's don't give up or die, we Multiply. Keep using the Force!

Anonymous said...

I understand what you are saying and what everyone is saying about you not being a failure as a mother. But you are. And so am I. And so is every mother.

There is no such thing as a perfect mother. But we stand up and say, I'm good enough. I can try to dig deeper, do better, but even if I can't...even if this is it, this is all they ever get...it was good enough.

We are set up to fail, and we will all fail in our own unique ways. And our motherhood will still be beautiful and one of a kind and our children will look back in 65 years and remember how we shimmered in the moonlight tucking them in and how we made them feel.

Relationships fading IS part of the human experience. We reach out, pull away, turn outward, turn inward, and life is too random for any guarantees. Your children will process these experiences and turn them into something beautiful and rich.

There is an older book about the concept of the good enough mother, which I'm having difficulty finding the name of...in the meantime, here is a PBS link sort of echoing the theme. http://www.pbs.org/parents/special/article-expectations-goodmother.html

I like the way in this writing, though, that you repeated the line, "I have failed as a mom." That really is what loops in our head, secretly. Even mine.

Great work!

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