Welcome to the Chaos

You have stumbled upon the new blog (i.e. random babblings) of a quirky single mom. A shoot-from-the-hip, anti-pink (yet almost gaggingly perky), non-traditional, can cuss like a sailor but loves insanely and has the save the world syndrome gal who is bracing for a future as a Crazy Cat Lady though she secretly hopes like hell it doesn't come true. Enjoy your stay and feel free to say hi- I don't bite. Well, unless we're dating and you are into that type of thing or you contain peanut butter. >;-)

About Me

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Quirky single mom of two monkeys. I used to beat up the kids that picked on the "special students" during recess. Now I work with those with chronic mental illness. I speak quite a few languages, enjoy coed naked underwater basket weaving, have an addiction to Sushi and humor is my defense mechanism. Arrogant people make my right eye twitch. I'm ambidextrously brained, I will knit for tattoos, I am the friend that everyone comes to for advice and bail money. I pride myself on keeping my eyes, ears, heart and mind open. Making me laugh goes a long way with me, I think the brain is the sexiest organ and I'm the kinda gal you can take anywhere and I'll have a good time. Other than that, I'm just me.

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Silence

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.” ~Author Unknown

So, at the time of writing this, I wasn’t sure I was going to even post it. I was trying to work some thoughts out. Still trying to really. Now that I’m posting it, I’m not sure I’m going to link it. I’m not sure of a lot right now. But, it’s part of who I am, it’s part of my process. It’s not witty, it’s not funny, it’s pretty much just kind of raw me. While I am usually always smiling, typically optimistic (at times to a fault) and seek out the lesson in everything… this time I don’t know what I am.

If you’ve been reading, you know that I recently did some Spring Cleaning. Sweeping out some bad to give the good more room to breathe. In reality, it was a hard thing for me to do. By nature I see the good in people. Once I care, I have a hard time walking away. Setting boundaries are sometimes hard enough for me. Even when a relationship, of any kind, swings off balance, when I care, I will take it and take it hoping it will eventually swing back to where it was. I don’t like to give up on people. This gets infinitely stronger the closer I’ve gotten to them and the closer I’ve allowed them to get to me.

I saved the hardest for last. One that had gotten off balance, but I knew at its core was good. When I ran back through the last year the positives clearly outweighed the negatives, there was a unique bond and yes there was love there. That while it may need repair, it was a keeper.

So I laid it at their feet. Which was scary, but I had faith. Faith in them. Faith in me. Faith in us.

I have listed all the things I knew in a recent post about my Spring Cleaning. The truths I had walked away from the lesson with. Bit it would seem the lesson isn’t finished.

Yes they had gotten my email.

Yes they had already started to respond.

Yes they wanted to talk.

Yet it remains at their feet.

A part of me does too in a way.

And now they have gone completely silent.

And instead of I knows, I am left with I don’t knows.

Question after unanswered question.

Why haven’t they responded? Are they scared to? Or do they just not even care? Do I matter? Did I ever really matter? Why say you love someone and then 48 hours later…? Do I just walk away? Do they wish I would? What happened? What did I do? What do I do?

Question after unanswered question.

And a lesson I am not yet sure of. Or maybe it’s right there but, feeling unworthy of even a response, tears have blurred my vision.

Whoever said silence was golden was sorely mistaken.

Silence hurts.

Silence can break your heart.

1 comments:

Sabalo said...

I am not good at condolences or answers unless they're based in facts, but I'll give it a shot. Even as I type this, I realize that you may not be looking for answers so much as sympathy. If so, I apologize in advance.

Why haven't they responded?

Yeah, they could be scared. They could be thinking. You may have brought up uncomfortable points, or, in bringing whatever the situation is to the forefront and into consideration, you may have introduced an introspection on their part that raises questions they had never even considered.

You may have... and I am sorry for this one, but truth is truth... you may have, in initiating the confrontation / discussion, put them into a position in which they considered and found that they were no longer interested in the status quo.

Not that I am blaming you for it or suggesting that it was your fault, just that sometimes, when pressed, people accelerate the thought processes that they would have otherwise taken some time to work through.

Do you matter? Did you ever really matter?

Yes. Whether you matter to the person in question, well, I don't know. They're the only ones that can answer that one for you, and people are notoriously deceptive there.

Why say you love someone...?

Maybe they mean it and they're sorting out feelings. Maybe they don't know if they mean it or not and they don't want to continue to be unfair if they do not. Perhaps they could not break your heart in real-time. I don't know.

Do you just walk away? Do you wish you would?

You that the only person who can answer those questions is you. I gather that this isn't a minor issue. Is it workable? Do you want to work with it? Or is it always going to bother you? Are you willing to feel like this again if the past repeats itself?

What did you do?

Most likely, you did nothing wrong. That's not how these things work.

I once told you that should you need advice or insight of the sort that I can provide, I would be happy to provide as you helped me think something through. The offer stands. If I can do anything to assist, let me know.

We're not close friends (more like e-pals) or anything, but I like you well enough to not want you to suffer any more than you absolutely have to.

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